I've heard it said, "Sometimes sleep is the most spiritual thing you can do." I understand that. God has created us to need sleep and rest. There comes a point in time when we should say no to the demands around us and lay our heads on the pillow. I loved this concept last week... all too much.
I have a confession and am asking for forgiveness in the same breath. Last week I pulled this "rest" card far too often. I pressed snooze and said, "Lord, let me worship you by getting this extra 30 minutes of sleep." I laid down at night having just skimmed a chapter of the Bible so I wouldn't feel as guilty and could say I "read" something when accountability in my life would ask. I put God on the back burner and though I may have gotten a few mornings of a little extra sleep, my life reflected this lack of nourishment. I was weak.
God has brought an amazing man in my life that took the brunt of this. Though I have already asked for forgiveness and you, sweet man, have given it, to you I want to apologize again. See, as the week unfolded and my nourishment became less and less, directly related was the health of my heart and my attitude. I acted in foolish ways, said foolish and selfish things, and had no love to give when it was needed. The relationship that was growing and blossoming, for the first time experienced extended periods of turmoil.
The loving man that God has brought me consistently forgave and corrected my actions, even for a few days. At the end of this period he checked me, "Britt do you see how your lack of faith directly affects our relationship?" He didn't know the hours, or lack of them, that I had put into my relationship with God. He DID know that when he asked me how my time with the Lord was that day I always could respond with a quick answer about fellowship or growing in courage as I "read" Acts. Generic answers to get him off my back. And then I would quickly change the subject and get moody and rude about another issue. God has shown me his grace and love through this man. Yet I was letting my screwed up priorities and lack of discipline directly affect how I loved him back.
First our time and commitment to God, or lack of it, directly affects our relationship to Him. When I'm too tired or too busy for Him, I break His heart and as my Divine Lover He is jealous for me. To you Lord, please forgive me for the times that I have not loved you and made you my priority. Forgive me for forgetting what is most important. I praise you for always welcoming me back with open arms. I want to yearn for you oh God. Here I am.
However, what I learned most this week is my responsibility to be fully present with Christ to love those He has put into my life. I was trying to love my boyfriend out of my flesh, fighting then apologizing, then picking another fight in the same breath. Out of love and grace he pointed out how he can directly tell when I'm loving him out of my own efforts and out of the love of Christ. How dare I try to love by my own merits. I know not love without the ULTIMATE LOVE as an example. To have blossoms of love and grace, patience and joy in my life I must be rooted in the only true example of that love. So forgive me Lord, teach me how to dig deep into you as my rock. Forgive me Dwayne, I want to love you like you deserve and show me, by the love of our Savior.
Lesson learned, at least for now. Post-drought I have had amazing times with God in the past few days. My boyfriend and I worked through this and are stronger and more committed than ever.
May I not, anytime soon, become one who forsakes time with God for time to do things around me. I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Martin Luter, initiater of the Reformation. He said about his prayer life,
"I've got so much work to do today, I'd better spend two hours in prayer instead of one."
May this be my mindset.
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