But guess what? Not so true. Here I am. Single. Broken.
Why? Couldn't I be married or at least well on my way? Yup. Isn't that just what I want? Yup. I have started down the path of dating more than a time or two with this goal in sight. Dating has taken on different shapes and forms for me. Those of you who have been direct witnesses to my life are probably laughing at that fact. Wow have I learned a lot.
As I was in Florida for the past few weeks, God stripped away all my prideful fronts and left my heart out, open, exposed. All that remained was the core of who I was in Him. In this single season of life that I have now stepped into, the Lord has placed convictions and questions on my heart that I haven't dealt with in a long time.
One of my biggest dreams is that of being a wife and mother. I want that, but have realized I wasn't content in being single for now. You thought I was "put together" well... not so much. I realized I was actually quite broken. I'm realized I was even insecure in my singleness. To spite the numerous friendships that could be taken to the next level right now, I have shut that door.
I tell my girls all the time that until they experience the love of Christ they won't even know how to truly love. I need to take some of that advice. Don't get me wrong, my relationship with Christ has been growing and solid these past few years. I have met some great men of God that I know were in His will for me to build with. Yet somehow the door always closes. Our Abba Father has a way of catching our attention when he is JEALOUS. He wants all of me. He is the one that wants to be my Lover. No man's attention can fill that first until he is the Ultimate Source.
Sound like a lot of ramblings about how I'm feeling? Let me say this... I need to return to the contentment, wholeness, and security that I have in Christ. I've looked for that in the wrong places. Praise God that he wouldn't give me the desires of my heart until my desires were first for Him. I have no doubt that the desires He has put on my heart and love that I have found are true. Yet, I pray that He won't give me my desire until I am found in Him alone.
I am at a place now where my Lover has let me find love. He first loved us. I will first love Him. Then that love will fall into place. Content. Put together. Secure.
B. Reith's song: New Found Love, speaks perfectly to how I feel....
I don't want to make this harder than it needs to be.
I can complicate things pretty easily.
I just want to be a little smarter
With the things that I already have
Without having to add on to them.
I took you for granted. I wasted so much time,
Wailed to see the vantage point because I was blinded.
But you waited so patiently for me to come around.
I finally found you, oh.
I've got a new found (love)
I've got a new found love.
It's always been around
I've got a new found (love)
I've got a new found love.
It took me until now to find it.
I was on the verge of breakdown
For so many years
Searching for a love
To drive away these fears, yeah.
I keep looking at the glass half empty
But oh it is so full of things
I've never seemed to notice before, yeah.
But you waited so patiently
For me to come around and finally,
Finally I found it.
I've got a new found love
I've got a new found love.
It's always been around
I've got a new found love
I've got a new found love.
It took me until now to find it.
Scales cover eyes until
The light shines through and awakens us to all we've never seen.
What a surprise that you would find me hear and invite me to your dream.
Yeah I've got a new found love
And it fell out the sky like a star from above.
Up until now I never knew what it was.
See it came out of nowhere and hit me like a mac truck, bam.
It was always there I just never understood.
I was sittin' right in front of somethin' that was so good
To the one in my affection, call it a revival.
I held it like this, see now I need it for survival. (Play Micheal)
(X2)
I've got a new found
I've got a new found love.
It's always been around
I've got a new found
I've got a new found love.
It took me until now... (to find it).
